Mirrors

How is it that two people could be doing the exact same thing and one is bringing glory to the Lord while the other is not? Some may argue with me that they can’t possibly be doing the same action if only one is bringing glory to the Lord. And I would tell them that if it were simply about the act, they’d be right. There’s more to the story here though (isn’t that always the case?). Let’s use the politically incorrect example of tithing. Two people are attending church regularly. They’re both giving their full 10% from the gross income the Lord has blessed them with. One is giving with a joyful heart out of gratitude for the 90% he’s able to keep. The other is giving with a bitter and fearful heart out of duty expecting the Lord to multiply his income like He said He would. The difference is clear isn’t it? There’s one variable in each scenario and that variable is the heart. When God said “Man looks at the outward appearance but the Lord looks at the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7) He wasn’t kidding around. Our hearts, or more specifically, our motives, expose our true condition. Going through the motions of a Christian isn’t going to cut it because you can fool man all you want; but you can’t fool God.

As I deepen my relationship with the Lord and walk towards Him (at times in a zigzag shaped pattern…) He becomes a mirror exposing the true condition of my heart and at times it’s so ugly I want to shield my face and scream out in horror “Don’t look at me!!!”. A bit dramatic yes, but all too true. When I got married that truth slapped me across the face as my husband became the mirror to how selfish and self-serving and childish I really was, but at least I could find solace in the fact that I was the same reflection to him. Not much mind you, my reflection was much worse, but at least some satisfaction was found. Not this time. God is perfect so I can’t hide behind my excuses. I do, as always, have two choices though. I can turn and run the other way and refuse to look into or deal with the reflection of my heart, or I can sigh, look up, and ask that since He’s revealed this ugliness to me, would He now help me overcome it? The problem with going deeper with the Lord is that you inevitably look deeper into yourself; and sometimes what you find is not only not what you expected but far worse than you could have imagined. The comforting part of this is that if He’s revealing your impure motives it’s because there’s a way out; a way to overcome them, a way to the other side. And He’ll show you that way when you’re ready. Unfortunately just saying “I’m ready now God” isn’t enough. You really have to be in a humble place where your pride isn’t going to stop you from overcoming. Where your self-pity isn’t going to blame your circumstances for why you’re the way you are. One thing I’ve learned in the past year is that your circumstances don’t determine where you’re going or who you’re going to be. It’s how you deal with those circumstances that will determine that.

I have been on a bumpy ride for the last few months and it seems at every turn I’m hissing into another mirror as God shines some light on a dark spot in my heart. I’ve learned some hard lessons about myself like how hard it is for me to genuinely care about others because my selfishness always wants to bring conversations back to myself, how I don’t often listen while people are talking – instead I’m thinking about what I’m going to say next, and the worst one for me so far is that I haven’t believed that the Lord truly wants me to succeed and prosper. I have honestly thought that the Lord wanted me to live a mediocre life just barely scraping by until I reached the age of 65 ending up either dead or dead broke after having worked jobs I hated for 50 years. Ouch…I thought this? I thought this of the God who said “ “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11)? That doesn’t sound like a God who intends for my life to be meaningless. So where did this idea come from? I’m still exploring that. I know that once the Lord reveals the root under that lie and we cut it off together, it will be time to face another mirror; and that’s ok with me. You see as painful as the process is of facing these horrors about myself, it would be far worse to me if I did nothing and let them stay. I realize that I’m going through a refinement process and the dictionary defines that as “to bring to a fine or a pure state; free from impurities”. That sounds nice doesn’t it? The only problem is that refinement takes fire so it’s going to be painful at times. Will it be worth it though? Yes. He will be able to do far more in and through me if the dross is lessened. Dross, by the way, is defined as “worthless or dangerous material that should be removed”. How symbolic of the impurities within my heart. I know that I’ll never be perfect or completely free from all the dross but as the Lord reveals them to me so I shall pray through and cut them off. I already feel lighter and less burdened than I did a year ago and I did not even realize that anything was weighing me down.

So I will continue walking towards my daddy in heaven because for me, there is no other path. Of course I stray from time to time and I fall and get cut up; but those things strengthen me to the very core of who I am and I trust that my father is walking with me, holding my hand, helping me up and dusting me off when I fall, all the while breathing life into me and giving me just what I need at the very moment I need it. No matter how easy or smooth or fun any other path seems, none of them have Jesus on them and therefore, none of them are for me.