Breakthroughs

Since I’ve started writing again the Lord has been blessing me with some intense revelation about my life, my past, and why I’m going through the struggles I’m going through right now. It’s been incredible; painful, but incredible.

I broke today for the first time in a long time. I randomly called my sister after work and started telling her how funny God is because Rob and I were considering leaving the business world and we read day 9 of “The purpose driven life” by Rick Warren and it was all about trust (something we had been lacking which is why we were considering quitting the business world). The conversation took an unexpected turn though and I started sharing about my insecurities and the real reasons I wanted to quit doing what I was doing and the more I spoke the more the Lord revealed them to me. Has that ever happened to you? It’s pretty intense. The truth came out that I have a real problem genuinely caring for others in the sense that I never ask people personal questions about themselves. The reason for that is that I fear bringing up a bad memory. For example; if I’m talking to someone and they don’t mention their dog I won’t ask how the dog is in case it died because I don’t want to make them feel badly or uncomfortable. This fear keeps me from asking about kids, relationships, etc…and so I maintain mostly superficial friendships unless the person has already established trust with me.

This may seem strange to you – it sure did to me, but then the Lord revealed the root of the issue and I was reminded that at a young age when I was asking my father questions about his past for a school project he became angry with me and said something along the lines of “I didn’t have a good childhood. I don’t want to talk about it.” Whoa, ok…sorry I asked; and I truly was. I felt responsible for bringing up some bad memories and making him upset and the enemy took that further and I was not only just responsible for the memories, I was also responsible for what happened. It made me pretty upset and I remember feeling hurt that he didn’t want to share with me. The Lord also brought up the fact that my mother was equally secretive about her past and never shared anything personal with me. This birthed the lie that if my parents wouldn’t even confide in me then no one would and also that asking people about their personal lives would cause them pain and in turn cause me pain as well. Yet here I am getting into a business that requires me to build trust with a stranger and ask them personal questions; oh Lord, you are too funny.

I received many other revelations from the Lord throughout the conversation like how I knew the Lord would provide my basic needs but I didn’t think He would (or wanted to) bless me beyond that. Also, that if I got myself into a situation I couldn’t handle He wouldn’t rescue me. The exposed lies that were flying out of my mouth were powerful and the Lord revealed to me that every lie I have been living under has been a direct correlation between things that have happened with my parents and how I view God.

My sister encouraged me to get off the phone and pray, forgive, cut off lies, etc…so for the next 45 minutes that’s exactly what I did. I cried and cried and cried as the Lord brought forth lie after lie that I have been living with for years. I confessed how it felt when situations happened, I asked His forgiveness for holding onto anger or bitterness or self-pity and I cut off the lies in my heart and forgave those I needed to forgive. It was quite a build up of tears that poured out of my heart but in the end I felt more at peace and more like my true self than I have in over 10 years. I was finally free of the lie that I’m just not a caring person and that I am incapable of making true friends, especially with strangers.

The craziest thing happened afterwards. I had plans to get together with a girl friend of mine and I have never been so interested in someone else’s life! I asked her about what’s in her heart to do, encouraged her to go to Africa like God had been calling her to do and I spend hours just asking her questions about herself and for the first time I wasn’t thinking about what to ask next; I was genuinely interested and it came naturally! I didn’t think I would ever get to a point like that in my life. Isn’t it funny how the enemy gets you to think that you’ll never be free of certain hindrances in your life? Well Jesus died so that I could be free (John 8:36). He said "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30) That is a promise that I have seen Him fulfill time after time and I cling to it in the midst of my trials and sufferings. He is so faithful to His promises and He heals my heart again and again so I no longer fear facing these dark spots in my heart. I know that He’ll purge them out because He loves me right where I’m at, but far too much to leave me there. Thank God for that.