Breakthroughs

Since I’ve started writing again the Lord has been blessing me with some intense revelation about my life, my past, and why I’m going through the struggles I’m going through right now. It’s been incredible; painful, but incredible.

I broke today for the first time in a long time. I randomly called my sister after work and started telling her how funny God is because Rob and I were considering leaving the business world and we read day 9 of “The purpose driven life” by Rick Warren and it was all about trust (something we had been lacking which is why we were considering quitting the business world). The conversation took an unexpected turn though and I started sharing about my insecurities and the real reasons I wanted to quit doing what I was doing and the more I spoke the more the Lord revealed them to me. Has that ever happened to you? It’s pretty intense. The truth came out that I have a real problem genuinely caring for others in the sense that I never ask people personal questions about themselves. The reason for that is that I fear bringing up a bad memory. For example; if I’m talking to someone and they don’t mention their dog I won’t ask how the dog is in case it died because I don’t want to make them feel badly or uncomfortable. This fear keeps me from asking about kids, relationships, etc…and so I maintain mostly superficial friendships unless the person has already established trust with me.

This may seem strange to you – it sure did to me, but then the Lord revealed the root of the issue and I was reminded that at a young age when I was asking my father questions about his past for a school project he became angry with me and said something along the lines of “I didn’t have a good childhood. I don’t want to talk about it.” Whoa, ok…sorry I asked; and I truly was. I felt responsible for bringing up some bad memories and making him upset and the enemy took that further and I was not only just responsible for the memories, I was also responsible for what happened. It made me pretty upset and I remember feeling hurt that he didn’t want to share with me. The Lord also brought up the fact that my mother was equally secretive about her past and never shared anything personal with me. This birthed the lie that if my parents wouldn’t even confide in me then no one would and also that asking people about their personal lives would cause them pain and in turn cause me pain as well. Yet here I am getting into a business that requires me to build trust with a stranger and ask them personal questions; oh Lord, you are too funny.

I received many other revelations from the Lord throughout the conversation like how I knew the Lord would provide my basic needs but I didn’t think He would (or wanted to) bless me beyond that. Also, that if I got myself into a situation I couldn’t handle He wouldn’t rescue me. The exposed lies that were flying out of my mouth were powerful and the Lord revealed to me that every lie I have been living under has been a direct correlation between things that have happened with my parents and how I view God.

My sister encouraged me to get off the phone and pray, forgive, cut off lies, etc…so for the next 45 minutes that’s exactly what I did. I cried and cried and cried as the Lord brought forth lie after lie that I have been living with for years. I confessed how it felt when situations happened, I asked His forgiveness for holding onto anger or bitterness or self-pity and I cut off the lies in my heart and forgave those I needed to forgive. It was quite a build up of tears that poured out of my heart but in the end I felt more at peace and more like my true self than I have in over 10 years. I was finally free of the lie that I’m just not a caring person and that I am incapable of making true friends, especially with strangers.

The craziest thing happened afterwards. I had plans to get together with a girl friend of mine and I have never been so interested in someone else’s life! I asked her about what’s in her heart to do, encouraged her to go to Africa like God had been calling her to do and I spend hours just asking her questions about herself and for the first time I wasn’t thinking about what to ask next; I was genuinely interested and it came naturally! I didn’t think I would ever get to a point like that in my life. Isn’t it funny how the enemy gets you to think that you’ll never be free of certain hindrances in your life? Well Jesus died so that I could be free (John 8:36). He said "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-30) That is a promise that I have seen Him fulfill time after time and I cling to it in the midst of my trials and sufferings. He is so faithful to His promises and He heals my heart again and again so I no longer fear facing these dark spots in my heart. I know that He’ll purge them out because He loves me right where I’m at, but far too much to leave me there. Thank God for that.

Mirrors

How is it that two people could be doing the exact same thing and one is bringing glory to the Lord while the other is not? Some may argue with me that they can’t possibly be doing the same action if only one is bringing glory to the Lord. And I would tell them that if it were simply about the act, they’d be right. There’s more to the story here though (isn’t that always the case?). Let’s use the politically incorrect example of tithing. Two people are attending church regularly. They’re both giving their full 10% from the gross income the Lord has blessed them with. One is giving with a joyful heart out of gratitude for the 90% he’s able to keep. The other is giving with a bitter and fearful heart out of duty expecting the Lord to multiply his income like He said He would. The difference is clear isn’t it? There’s one variable in each scenario and that variable is the heart. When God said “Man looks at the outward appearance but the Lord looks at the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7) He wasn’t kidding around. Our hearts, or more specifically, our motives, expose our true condition. Going through the motions of a Christian isn’t going to cut it because you can fool man all you want; but you can’t fool God.

As I deepen my relationship with the Lord and walk towards Him (at times in a zigzag shaped pattern…) He becomes a mirror exposing the true condition of my heart and at times it’s so ugly I want to shield my face and scream out in horror “Don’t look at me!!!”. A bit dramatic yes, but all too true. When I got married that truth slapped me across the face as my husband became the mirror to how selfish and self-serving and childish I really was, but at least I could find solace in the fact that I was the same reflection to him. Not much mind you, my reflection was much worse, but at least some satisfaction was found. Not this time. God is perfect so I can’t hide behind my excuses. I do, as always, have two choices though. I can turn and run the other way and refuse to look into or deal with the reflection of my heart, or I can sigh, look up, and ask that since He’s revealed this ugliness to me, would He now help me overcome it? The problem with going deeper with the Lord is that you inevitably look deeper into yourself; and sometimes what you find is not only not what you expected but far worse than you could have imagined. The comforting part of this is that if He’s revealing your impure motives it’s because there’s a way out; a way to overcome them, a way to the other side. And He’ll show you that way when you’re ready. Unfortunately just saying “I’m ready now God” isn’t enough. You really have to be in a humble place where your pride isn’t going to stop you from overcoming. Where your self-pity isn’t going to blame your circumstances for why you’re the way you are. One thing I’ve learned in the past year is that your circumstances don’t determine where you’re going or who you’re going to be. It’s how you deal with those circumstances that will determine that.

I have been on a bumpy ride for the last few months and it seems at every turn I’m hissing into another mirror as God shines some light on a dark spot in my heart. I’ve learned some hard lessons about myself like how hard it is for me to genuinely care about others because my selfishness always wants to bring conversations back to myself, how I don’t often listen while people are talking – instead I’m thinking about what I’m going to say next, and the worst one for me so far is that I haven’t believed that the Lord truly wants me to succeed and prosper. I have honestly thought that the Lord wanted me to live a mediocre life just barely scraping by until I reached the age of 65 ending up either dead or dead broke after having worked jobs I hated for 50 years. Ouch…I thought this? I thought this of the God who said “ “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11)? That doesn’t sound like a God who intends for my life to be meaningless. So where did this idea come from? I’m still exploring that. I know that once the Lord reveals the root under that lie and we cut it off together, it will be time to face another mirror; and that’s ok with me. You see as painful as the process is of facing these horrors about myself, it would be far worse to me if I did nothing and let them stay. I realize that I’m going through a refinement process and the dictionary defines that as “to bring to a fine or a pure state; free from impurities”. That sounds nice doesn’t it? The only problem is that refinement takes fire so it’s going to be painful at times. Will it be worth it though? Yes. He will be able to do far more in and through me if the dross is lessened. Dross, by the way, is defined as “worthless or dangerous material that should be removed”. How symbolic of the impurities within my heart. I know that I’ll never be perfect or completely free from all the dross but as the Lord reveals them to me so I shall pray through and cut them off. I already feel lighter and less burdened than I did a year ago and I did not even realize that anything was weighing me down.

So I will continue walking towards my daddy in heaven because for me, there is no other path. Of course I stray from time to time and I fall and get cut up; but those things strengthen me to the very core of who I am and I trust that my father is walking with me, holding my hand, helping me up and dusting me off when I fall, all the while breathing life into me and giving me just what I need at the very moment I need it. No matter how easy or smooth or fun any other path seems, none of them have Jesus on them and therefore, none of them are for me.

Encouragement

Encouragement is an amazing thing isn’t it? It’s like the wind in your sails or the bounce in your step. Without it you’d still be sailing or walking but it would be missing the key component that we all need; it would be missing life. I know that the defining moments of my life have happened due to someone encouraging me at just the right time in just the right way. For example, when I first learned to do a handspring I did it because my oldest brother nonchalantly said I could if I practiced hard enough. What he didn’t recognize was that up until that moment I didn’t actually believe I could. Once I realized that someone believed in me I practiced the rest of the day until I succeeded and that birthed a deep love for gymnastics that carried on for years.

The same thing happened on a deeper level when I came to know the Lord. My sister had been encouraging me for years to get to know the Lord and I ignored her for the most part because I didn’t believe that I had what it took to be a Christian. My view was skewed and I thought that I had to live a Christian life in my own strength instead of realizing that you don’t clean a fish before you catch it and that the Holy Spirit would take care of my heart once I gave it to the Lord. I came to a point where my self-esteem couldn’t get much lower and I did things that I still cringe thinking about today, and instead of blasting me with the speech I so richly deserved, my sister encouraged me. The Lord spoke right through her and told me that He loved me, He wasn’t ashamed or angry with me, and that if I would just talk to Him and pour it out to Him that He would fix my battered, broken heart; and He did.

Encouragement is so desperately needed today, yet with all of our insecurities and inadequacies we withhold it worrying that by encouraging someone else it might elevate them to a higher level and free them of their burdens while leaving us alone to face ours. If it sounds like I’m speaking from experience it’s because I am.

My entire life has been spent keeping my feelings to myself and spending inordinate amounts of time worrying about other people’s opinions. I kept everyone at an arm’s length and rarely encouraged others for fear that it may seem weak on my part. How sad, how tragic, how demonic. Who would benefit from convincing me that by encouraging others I would somehow look weak and less than the other person? The father of lies has his pathetic minions running around ruining our lives and creating division among God’s people. When someone encourages me I instantly adore that person and want to encourage them right back! When someone speaks life over me my entire being is uplifted and I can’t help but smile wider and want to bless others too. Yet I have lived under this ridiculous lie that others would have power over me if I told them what I really thought. I have been in competition with every single person I’ve ever seen and for what? It did nothing to lift my spirit or deepen my walk with the Lord. All it did was withhold the blessing that the Lord had for that person. Who knew what that person was going through? Who knew how badly they needed a word of encouragement even if it was as small as “Wow you have a beautiful smile”. The Lord knew, that’s who. And by closing my mouth out of fear of what they might think or say I closed the door on the Lord’s blessing for that person. Wow...

Once I found out that a sick and vile spirit of fear had been plaguing me for literally my entire life and I was taught how to cast it out (as well as the spirit of doubt, discouragement, perversion, distraction, mind control, frustration, etc – sadly the list really does go on and on) I was a new creation. I came home from that business seminar a completely changed person and for the first time in my life I longed to encourage others. I started right in that seminar and let me tell you, it felt incredible! To see a person’s spirit literally light up because of something I said and to know that they are going to have a much better day has released something inside of me that longs to see people set free in the same way. We really do reap what we sow and personally I’d rather reap a harvest of blessing and encouragement than fear and ungodly competition. I was a slave to these spirits for far too long and it was needless because the battle’s already been won. I guess I just needed to realize that for myself and as usual I didn’t come to that conclusion on my own. The Lord is always faithful to His children and as they seek Him and seek to grow in Him He honors that and deepens their relationship with Him. I want to continually grow in Him and have Him speak through me as often as humanly possible and thankfully He blessed me with the knowledge of my sin and gave me a passion to do the opposite and speak life over people’s lives instead of withholding it. I know that this is just one fight with the enemy and I’m not naïve enough to think that my struggles with him are over but this is one fight he’s not going to win and as I gain ground the Lord will expand my territory because He promised He would and my Jesus is faithful to His word.